Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Fattest Girl on the Dance Floor

LA Newbie: Fat Girl, I want to go to a club.

Fat Girl: Don't.

Newbie: But, Fat Girl, I want to be an actress. I can meet celebrities and producers at a club in LA.

FG: Right. And I can lose weight if only I eat enough pizza.
Here's the thing. The celebrities, who may or may not be at the club you so frequently and desperately attend do not wait in line. So you will not meet them. Not ever. Because that is where you will be. In line. All night. In really uncomfortable shoes. You couldn't get me in a line like that even if there was a lifetime supply of free Chunky Monkey at the head of it.

Newbie: I won't have to wait in line. I'm really pretty.

FG: So is everybody else.

Newbie: But I have a gorgeous new outfit.

FG: So does everybody else.

Newbie: But I slept with the bouncer.

FG: So has everybody else. The bouncer would make his own grandmother wait in line if she has never been in a movie. And you know you have never been in a movie. Third ass from the left in a crowd scene in the newest Brad Pitt film does not count. I'm not saying you will never get in. Eventually you will. All I'm saying is you will have to wait in line for six hours. Like everybody else.

Newbie: But it will be totally worth it. I'll see tons of celebrities and have so much fun!

FG: First of all, you will probably not see a celebrity. Okay, you might get lucky and see a girl from The Hills, or maybe someone you recognize from Law and Order--

Newbie: I love The Hills!

FG: Of course you do. But as far as anyone who has any power to do anything for your career, they won't be at the club. It's not that celebrities don't go out. It's just that, even in a city as star-filled as Los Angeles, there are more clubs than there are celebrities. The odds are more likely that you will get really drunk, meet someone who looks kind of like some director, and then realize in the morning that he is just the valet.

Newbie: No way. I watch TMZ, celebrities are always at clubs, every single night. I will totally meet one.

FG: Fine, I know, Harvey Levin is a god. But seriously, if lightenting strikes and you do meet a real, honest-to-god celebrity, that person will not talk to you. He will not help your career. He probably won't even look at you. At the most, a very gracious celebrity will thank you for being a fan before his giant gorrilla attendant moves you away.

Newbie: Fat Girl, you're just being cynical. I will get discovered if I go to a club.

FG: Fine. Have fun. Mention me in your Oscar speech. I'm going to go eat some pizza.